One of the most common limiting beliefs about love is the idea that you have a lot more work to do on yourself before you’re ready for or worthy of the love of your dreams.

If you are hanging on to this idea, you probably believe that you need to be a more perfect version of yourself before you can find your perfect love.

The truth is that if you delay until you are “perfect,” you will wait forever. And you can disrupt this limiting belief by recognizing that when you embark upon the journey of growth with your partner, the process of journeying together will bind you closer together. What you will discover that love will transform you in ways that you could never accomplish on your own.  


Back in my days as a dedicated spiritual seeker, I attended a two-week winter retreat in Western Massachusetts. The biting cold of the Berkshires corralled us into the cozy meditation hall, while the commanding presence of the self-styled guru who led the retreat pushed us ever deeper into unfamiliar internal spaces.

This particular guru emphasized the importance of identifying and understanding the often conflicting “selves” who compete for our energy and attention. He spent several days distinguishing between the ego, or lesser self, and what he termed the “Authentic Self,” which was boundless, fearless and already completely free.

“The ego,” the guru explained, “is forever getting ready to get ready,” while the Authentic Self is always “ready to GO GO GO!”

While my days of deferring to self-proclaimed “spiritual authorities” are over, I value the bits of wisdom I gleaned from various teachers, including the Berkshire guru’s observation that the ego is “always getting ready to get ready.” I’ve watched brilliant people step right over once in a lifetime opportunities, always feeling that they’re not quite “ready for prime time,” and endlessly conjuring one more problem to solve or habit to break before wholeheartedly joining LIFE. And now, as more years pass, I sadly observe more and more of my peers in their fifties, sixties and even seventies whose entire lives have passed in a hazy limbo as they continue to get ready to get ready…..

The fallacy of perpetual preparation is particularly insidious when it comes to matters of the heart. Those of us prone to self-reflection have become so familiar with of our shortcomings that we find it hard to imagine that anyone worthwhile could ever love us for who we are. Many saddened veterans of love believe that their quirks and shortcomings have repeatedly sabotaged potentially perfect love affairs. And some of the more “spiritually minded” among us may actually believe that a committed relationship is a stumbling block along their pathway to perfection.

Believing that you need to be perfect before you can find perfect love is an insidious idea that must be abandoned NOW if we want to experience a greater love that awaits us. Irrespective of what psychologists or self-help pundits or even gurus may choose to name it, that part of ourselves that is obsessed with preparation will NEVER be ready for any radical immediate happiness, including love. That voice is the product and province of fear, and it keeps us small.

Abandoning the idea that we need to be perfect before we can be loved does not require you to abandon the quest for perfect love. better before we can be loved does not mean that you are abandoning thMany of us may be reluctant to block out a voice that whispers to us that perfection is not only worth pursuing but may well be waiting for us just around the corner. The drive for perfection, the “Utopian Impulse” is not simply one voice among many – it is a sacred calling, a Siren Song that beckons us to all the Good, the True and the beautiful. We may balk at seemingly have to choose between a higher call to perfection, and the possibility of Unimaginable Love.

But you do not have to choose. The perfect irony is that the love you will find when you stop waiting for perfection will draw perfection out of you both. Together you will stumble upon moments of intimacy that overflow with the perfection of divine communion in human form You will laugh together with an effortless joy that bypasses the existential doubt you’ve been so desperately trying to work around. And you will find strength and character and trustworthiness emerging from your being that you could never discover or exhibit through will power alone, but rather had to be called and coaxed out by the love that is now your life.

Your drive for perfection is not misplaced, nor is your hunger for love misinformed. It is only the order and the timing that may need adjusting. When you abandon the idea that you need to attain perfection before finding love, you will discover perfection in the love that is now free to surely find you.